Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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