Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
