My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
