fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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