I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i can't believe i had my finger in that
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
