I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
