I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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