Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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