He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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