so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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