I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
