I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
