I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
