I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Randomize
