Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
