my vag is so smooth its legendary
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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