I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
