She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
