She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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