I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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