If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
