Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize