Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Randomize
