did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
