grandma shit on top of the toilet
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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