whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
