I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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