after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
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