my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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