Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
