farters have to be the big spoon...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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