I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
