So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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