Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
