Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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