Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
