i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I came so hard my ears popped.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
