You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
