I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
