I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize