I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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