I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
