I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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