I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
