i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
