wrigley field is MILF paradise
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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