my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
