This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize