meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
