So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
