You just made me feel so damn special
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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