Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
