the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
