got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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