His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
