i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
