last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
