Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
