Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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