If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize