my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
