is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
