just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
