Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
should my penis look like a turkey
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
