You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
