$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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