my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
