Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
