It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
