If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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