I'm jealous of your bromance
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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